Have you ever found yourself sitting in a fertility specialist’s waiting room, scrolling through information about treatment options, and wondering, Do I even know if I want this?
Maybe you have spent years feeling uncertain about whether you want children. Maybe you assumed you would figure it out eventually, only to find yourself facing infertility and suddenly feeling like you need an answer. Or perhaps you want a child in some moments but feel unsure, overwhelmed, or even relieved when you imagine a life without one.
In today’s world this is not only common, but it’s incredibly complicated. I’m here to tell you - you can experience the grief of infertility and still be unsure whether you want to become a parent. These feelings are not mutually exclusive, and you do not have to justify your uncertainty to anyone.
In conversations about infertility, we often focus on the heartbreak of wanting a child and struggling to conceive. But what happens when you’re not entirely sure what you want in the first place?
This experience, sometimes called fence sitting, can be confusing, isolating, and surprisingly difficult to talk about. Let’s make a little room for it.
What Does Fence Sitting Mean When It Comes to Having Children?
Fence sitting describes feeling undecided about whether to have children. You may feel pulled toward parenthood and away from it, sometimes at the same time.
You might love spending time with children but feel unsure about raising them yourself. You might imagine a family and feel warmth, only to picture the responsibilities and financial implications of parenting and feel overwhelmed. You may have built a life you genuinely love and wonder what it would mean to change it.
There isn’t one way to be a fence sitter. Some people feel relatively comfortable with their uncertainty. Others find it distressing, particularly when a partner, family members, or medical circumstances seem to demand a decision.
And then there’s infertility.
When conception becomes difficult, something that once felt like an open-ended life question can suddenly feel urgent. You may begin asking yourself whether you want children, whether you want them enough to pursue treatment, and whether you will regret either choice.
Infertility can make uncertainty feel like a decision you can no longer put off. That pressure can make it harder to hear your own feelings beneath the noise of expectations, fear, and competing possibilities.
Why Infertility Can Make Ambivalence More Complicated
Infertility doesn’t always create a desire for parenthood, but it can change how you experience the question. When having a child feels like a default possibility, you may be able to let your uncertainty exist without giving it much attention. When that possibility becomes more complicated, you may suddenly feel compelled to figure everything out.
There are several reasons this can feel so difficult.
You may grieve something you’re not sure you want
This is one of the most complicated parts of fence sitting during infertility.
You might feel sad about a negative pregnancy test, disappointed when a treatment cycle doesn’t work, or emotional when someone announces a pregnancy. Then you might wonder why you’re grieving when you weren’t even sure you wanted a child in the first place.
Grief doesn’t always mean you’re certain about the future you want. Sometimes, you are grieving the loss of a possible future, the loss of control, a feeling like your body doesn’t work like it should, or the realization that a choice you thought would always be available may be more complicated than you expected.
You may be mourning the opportunity to decide on your own timeline. You may be grieving the version of yourself who assumed this question could remain open for a little longer.
You can feel sadness about infertility without having a definitive answer about parenthood.
You may feel pressure to want something you’re not sure you want
Family, friends, cultural expectations, and even conversations with healthcare professionals can make parenthood feel like the expected next step.
When you’re experiencing infertility, that pressure can become even more complicated. People may assume you’re devastated because you desperately want a baby, when your actual feelings are much more layered.
You might find yourself saying you want children because it feels easier than explaining your uncertainty. You may worry that admitting your ambivalence will lead others to dismiss your distress or tell you that you shouldn’t be upset.
But your feelings do not need to fit someone else’s narrative to be valid.
You are allowed to have complicated feelings about infertility. You are allowed to want answers without knowing exactly what you hope those answers will be.
You may worry about making the wrong decision
When a decision feels consequential, it’s natural to want certainty before moving forward.
You may worry that pursuing fertility treatment means committing to parenthood before you’re ready. Alternatively, you may worry that choosing not to pursue treatment means giving up on something you might eventually want. And you may choose to pursue fertility testing and intervention as a medical process rather than with the goal of a relational one.
The possibility of regret can make these directions feel frightening.
Sometimes, the search for certainty becomes exhausting. You replay conversations, compare yourself with friends, research every possible outcome, and try to find the one feeling that will finally tell you what to do. And when you’re wanting to talk about it with the people in your life, that’s equally complicated.
Certainty doesn’t always arrive before a decision. Sometimes, the work is learning to understand your feelings well enough to make a thoughtful choice while acknowledging what remains unknown.
How Can You Tell What You Actually Want?
You may not be able to find one definitive answer right away, and that’s okay. Rather than forcing yourself to decide immediately, try getting curious about the different parts of you that are speaking.
Here are a few questions to explore:
- When I imagine becoming a parent, what feels meaningful or appealing to me?
- What feels frightening, overwhelming, or undesirable about having children?
- If nobody else had an opinion about my decision, what might I want?
- Am I drawn toward parenthood, or am I afraid of losing the opportunity?
- When I imagine a life without children, what feelings arise? What about a life with children?
- What do I need to understand about my options before I can make a decision?
You don’t need to answer all these questions at once. You might even find that your answers change depending on the day, your circumstances, or what you’re experiencing in your fertility journey.
The goal isn’t to persuade yourself to want children or convince yourself that you don’t. It’s to create space to hear your own voice.
What If Your Partner Knows What They Want, but You Don’t?
When one partner feels certain about having children and the other is undecided, the uncertainty can affect the relationship in significant ways.
You may worry about disappointing your partner or holding them back. Your partner may feel frightened by the possibility that you will ultimately want different things. Both of you may struggle with the pressure of making decisions while managing the emotional and practical demands of infertility.
Try to remember that being uncertain is not the same as being unwilling to engage in the conversation.
Honest communication can help you understand what each person needs, what feels time-sensitive, and where more exploration may be helpful. You can talk about your fears without immediately resolving them.
It may also help to seek couples therapy with a clinician familiar with fertility and reproductive mental health. A supportive space can help you explore differences in desire, communicate without blame, and consider your options together.
The purpose isn’t to convince one partner to agree with the other. It’s to understand what each of you is experiencing and determine how to move forward with care and honesty.
You Don’t Have to Turn Uncertainty Into a Problem to Solve
We often treat uncertainty as something that needs to be fixed as quickly as possible. It’s uncomfortable, and most of us have limited tolerance for that discomfort. But sometimes, uncertainty is information that deserves attention rather than an obstacle that needs to be overcome.
You may need more time, more information, more honest conversations, or a better understanding of what parenthood means to you. You may need support in separating your own desires from the expectations you’ve carried for years.
If you’re exploring fertility treatment, it can be helpful to speak with your medical team about the options available to you, including any decisions that may be time-sensitive. Medical information can help clarify your choices, even if it doesn’t resolve the emotional questions.
And if you find yourself caught in a cycle of anxiety, guilt, or overthinking, therapy can offer a place to explore those feelings without pressure to reach a particular conclusion.
You do not need to prove that you want a child enough to deserve support. You do not need to be certain to take your feelings seriously.
In psychotherapy, one of the most important truths we explore is that grief and hope can exist at the same time. The same is true of uncertainty and desire, relief and sadness, and fear and curiosity. Feelings are not mutually exclusive, even when they seem contradictory.
You can hold several seemingly contradictory feelings and still be moving toward a better understanding of yourself.
Finding Support While You’re Sitting on the Fence
If you’re experiencing infertility while feeling unsure about having children, please know that your experience deserves to be acknowledged.
You may be navigating a question that feels difficult to explain to friends, family, or even your fertility team. You may feel alone because so many conversations about infertility assume that everyone involved knows exactly what they want.
But you don’t have to fit that assumption.
You deserve a space where you can talk honestly about what parenthood means to you, what infertility has brought up, and what you’re afraid of losing, regardless of the decision you eventually make.
I’m Ashley Mead, LMHC, PMH-C, and I specialize in fertility and reproductive mental health counseling. I provide telehealth therapy to clients in New York, Connecticut, Massachusetts, and Florida.
If you’re feeling stuck between wanting and not wanting children, or struggling with the emotional complexity of infertility, I invite you to reach out through ashleymead.com. Together, we can make space for your questions, explore the feelings beneath them, and help you navigate this experience with greater clarity and self-compassion.
You don’t have to know exactly what you want before you deserve support.
References and Further Reading
- American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM). Patient resources and information about infertility and reproductive care.
- A perspective on Fence Sitting from Amanda White, LPC
- Shreffler, K. M., Greil, A. L., McQuillan, J., & Gallus, K. L. (2015). Reasons for infertility: A comparison of the experiences of women and men. Sociology of Health & Illness. [VERIFY exact publication details and relevance before publishing.]